Kartika Alexandra on Relationship Issues, Attraction, and How to Build Healthy Relationships.
I initially wanted to create a podcast interview to discuss the topic of managing relationships and avoiding conflicts during the Covid19 confinement period. But then I decided to make the conversation more generic and talk about what makes relationships successful because I believe that the importance of having healthy relationships goes beyond the confinement time. Being in locked dow only bring the issues back to the surface, now that you have nowhere to hide.
In this conversation, Kartika and I talk about the law of attraction, the honeymoon phase, the issues, selecting the right partner, how not to bring the past to the present, how to resolve conflicts and how not to keep repeating the same old patterns by selecting/attracting the same type of partners.
Kartika Alexandra holds a degree in psychology and works as a hypnotherapist. She is also the owner and founder of Holistic Healing Hypnosis. A top-rated therapy center in Bali, Indonesia providing personalized profound therapy session, face to face and remote. I reached out to her a little while ago, when I was going through some challenging times and found her services very helpful. In a previous podcast, we discussed the power of the subconscious mind, and we dived into the “behind the scenes” of our attitudes, actions, and behaviors. That interview was one of my most recent popular ones, and if you haven’t listened to it yet, please feel free to go back to episode 23 and tune in.
The topic of relationships is so complex yet very interesting and exciting. And even though we covered a lot during the 75 min of this conversation, I feel like we barely scratched the surface. There are a lot of great insights and learnings, and I wish these things were thought to us at an early age when we just started dating and before making our first moves into committed relationships. Perhaps then we would lower the 50%+ divorce rates and family shatterings.
One of the most common mistakes we all do is diving headfirst into what we believe is “true love,” as it was pushed into us by our parents, culture, media, stories, and novels—leading us to naively believe or misunderstand love at first sight, soulmates, twin flames, and the happily ever after. When, in fact, and as you will find out in the conversations, things are a little less romantic than that. Our biochemistry, our energy levels, and our subconscious mind play a massive role in interpreting the messages we see through an often confused lens. We push our issues to our partners; we replicate our childhood models into our own families and tend to blame rather than take responsibility for our own actions, past experiences, and baggage.
Healthy relationships bring us the happiest moments in our lives, but at the same time, they can also create the most miserable experiences. These are really just opportunities for one to heal and release their past.
It is our lack of understanding of our own human nature that leads us to poor decision making. As Tony Robbins said, the two skills to master to create an ultimate relationship are Select and Connect. What “Selects” means is being able to choose the right partner. So what criteria are you using to select that person? Do you have a list of things that matter? Well, you know what, most of the time, your selection is going beyond your conscious choices. It is what’s in your subconscious that is attracted to the subconscious of the person in front of you. Go back and reread this last one. It’s that same subconscious that is making you win that relationship or lose it, which is why it is essential to get to know yourself. You select a person that matches your core values and your deepest beliefs, to either fulfill them and live in harmony or try to compensate them and live in unbalance.
MAKING RELATIONSHIPS MORE HEALTHY
One of the key points that came up over and over during my conversation with Kartika was the importance of doing the work. It is crucial that you manage your own wellbeing, day to day. The more stress you experience (current circumstance, nutritional intake, sleep, past pain, blood sugar levels, feeling ill, etc) the more you are likely to react from your subconscious because you conscious willpower to act lovingly will dwindle in these moments. The subconscious is much most powerful than the conscious mind. So it is crucial to do your own personal development work, for you to be happy, for your partner, not to hurt him/her, and for your kids to build a healthy, loving family. You must learn and grow and solve your past issues. That said, it doesn’t mean that if you don’t address them, you don’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Working on ourselves is a work-in-progress (we all got issues), and it can be done together with the right partner, which is even more fun and can bring the depth of the relationship to even higher levels. After all, isn’t all about being with someone who inspires us and helps us get the best out of ourselves?
Although this isn’t generally a topic that I’d discuss with my clients, I firmly believe that peak performance—which is what I actually help my coachees with— is only possible if we work on improving all the areas of our life, holistically; which includes being in a healthy relationship. In fact, we are most productive, healthy body and mind, happy personally and professionally, when our physical, mental, and emotional health are at operating at optimal levels. High performance—or generally speaking, wellbeing, is multidimensional.
So what are your core values? What are your deepest fears? What are your most limiting or empowering beliefs in terms of relationships? Have you worked on your insecurities? Do you have a non-fear-based vision on who you want to be with? Have you ever asked yourself, why do you keep attracting the same type of people? And have you ever wondered what makes a relationship last? Which communication strategies do you employ to have a healthy relationship with your partner?
All answers in the interview.
Books I recommend:
Find out about your core values, your limiting beliefs, and more: